Psalm 37:23-24

Psalm 37:23-24
"The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him; though he (I) may stumble he (I) will not fall, for the Lord upholds Him with His hand".

It is only 11am, and this has been a very trying day for me. Both my 2 year old and my 3 year old have been whining literally all morning (they woke up at 7:4-am).
I have been lifting this day and these babies as well as myself up to the Lord today and pleading for Him to give me strength to deal with them in Love and Kindness. I fear that my earthly, impatient human self is loosing in this trial.
I have tried everything I can think of to try to get the kids to be happy and engaged in any sort of activity/play. They want nothing of it.
I am giving this up to the Lord. I put them both in their beds and I am taking time to pray and reflect and listed to God. I want Him to guide me, and be obedient to His guidance.
I pray that God would be near and hold my hand today. I pray that He would give the children peace and a calm spirit.

A lesson for Mommy.

It has been a long day. My 3 year old has been sad and a tad grumpy all day long, my 2 year old is still in the learning process of potty training (which is not easy on mommy). I was surprised (in a mostly happy way) to help out with kids club at church tonight because they needed an extra adult with the cubbies, and had to get the super tired children ready for bed without Eric (because he was helping some friends finish some painting in their home). Whew... I am tired just doing this minor recap!
When we arrived home after church tonight I wanted to get the kids ready for bed after a quick snack. I told them to take a potty break while I got the snack out, and come to the table. Well, Katelyn must have gotten to the toilet first, and Daniel (in competitive Daniel style) yelled at her and proceeded to slap her on her face! So, I went in their and calmly knelt down beside him (after checking on and kissing Katelyn's reddened cheek) and told him that hitting is not ok, and he is going to brush his teeth and go straight to bed. Well, as you can imagine, that did not go over well with him and he began crying a loud mad/sad kind of cry. I asked the girls to finish up in the bathroom and go into the kitchen to wait for me. I got Daniel ready and put him into bed and attempted to calm him down. Meanwhile, the girls continually stick their heads in the doorway to "quietly" let me know that they are waiting for me (as if I needed reminding at this point in my growing impatience and frustration). All I wanted was for things to be quiet and calm.
Well, I failed at calming Daniel down, but I needed to get to the girls, so I left his room and he continued to cry loudly for the entire time I was with the girls. When the girls were finally in bed, tucked in, hugs, kisses, and prayers. I was walking out of the room and Ellie says, "Oh, I need my bear". And Daniel was still screaming! AHHHHHH... And now the mommy mess up...
I did it, I yelled at her, raised my voice and yelled, "Get down out of your bed NOW, find your bear and GO BACK TO BED! The poor girl started crying huge sad tears, and we found her bear.
I took a minute to collect myself and then I asked her calmly to come to me. She did and I held her in my arms and looked at her and told her that she was a good girl and I was so proud of how well she behaved today and of what a sweetheart she is. I also told her that I love her and I made a mistake when I yelled at her. I told her that sometimes even mommies make mistakes and do things we should not do. I tole her I am sorry and asked her to forgive me. Ellie has such a loving, kind nature and she forgave me and gave me a huge hug and let me squeeze her tight.
I am very sad that I let my selfishness and frustration lead me to yell at her when she had not done anything wrong. A familiar verse comes to mind "In your anger do not sin". I let my anger and frustration get the best of me tonight. I blew it!
Now, I have made peace with Ellie and I have lifted this situation up to God and pray that he will soften my heart in the heat of moments like these and fill my heart with love and kindness, and not haste and my selfish desire to just be alone at that moment.
I do believe that God's strength is made perfect in my weakness.  I desire to find myself reaching out to Him for His strength to flow through me in my moments of weakness so that I can be obedient to Him and act/react in ways that are pleasing to Him.

Praising God.

Today I am praising God for His faithfulness and love for me.

God continues to teach me even though I have made my share of mistakes and have moments (unfortunately, daily) where my selfishness takes over and I act in ways that are impatient, unkind, and often self-seeking. He reminds me that He is there, He never changes, and I am His!

I tend to get stuck in Satan's lie that my moments of weakness and sin define me, and that others see me for that, and it is up to me to change that so they can see me for who I want to be and not who I really am (ick right)!  It has been a humbling and difficult challenge for me to just give that idea up to God, My Father. I need to trust Him with that idea and not let it dwell in my heart. I know I cannot change the past or how others will see me (as much as I would like to).
I want to feel confident in the fact that God fully forgives me when I bring my sin to Him and turn from it. I want also to be able to forgive myself, and be able to move on in my daily walk and not let Satan hold me back from living a life fully for Christ.

My prayer for today is that God would take away my "urgent longing" for others to see the good in me as He does. I pray that I would turn to Him with my hearts every desire and I would allow him to shape and mold me into the woman that He desires me to be.

I praise God for becoming more alive and present in my heart and life daily, and I pray that my relationship with the Father will strengthen me as a mom, wife, friend, sister and daughter.

For the love of a story.

Those who know me, know that I spend quite a bit of time researching my family history. What most people do not know however, is that I do it for the love of the story. It is a great passion of mine to know the story of my family, and not just that- but to go deeper and know the story of as many individual people in my family as possible. I also really love the "chase", finding and uncovering new facts and being able to put those facts together to form who the people were and what their lives were like.
I have written an extensive book on one branch of my family history, and hope that my children or at least someone appreciates it as much as I do. My Great-Great Grandfather had a total of 9 biological siblings, a father, mother, a stepmother, grandparents, and an uncle who I know of and have written a page or so on each of their lives.
Here is an excerpt from the book that I thought was pretty funny...

"When speaking with Mike (last name protected), he told me that when he was young, he went with the family to Communion Mass. His Auntie, Mary Petranton was with them and she asked him if he was hungry. He replied, “No, I already ate breakfast”. Following this statement, she hit him “on the back of the head, harder than he has ever been hit in his life”. This was because you were not supposed to eat before Communion Mass. Mike thought this story was funny when he told me, and he told it with a smirk and a twinkle in his eye for the memory of life on the Levee."

I have had the wonderful opportunity to learn a great deal of happy, warm details about my family history, as well as some difficult and painful facts and memories. I was very blessed to be able to meet and speak with so many different family members with wonderful stories and memories from their lives to share with me. I hope that the family story that is recorded will pass to future generations and they will long to know the history of their "immediate" past. 

Oh, Insecurity...

My day has begun with a nagging sense of insecurity. I am seeing a friend and her daughter today , and I am continually struck by the thoughts that enter my mind in relation to other people. When someone is going to visit or I am going to be caring for their child, my mind starts racing with all of the things I have to do. Anything from organizing, cleaning, finding a craft or project for the kids, or planning a fun game.
I believe that all of these things can be good and fun things, but often my "motives" for doing these things are to prove that I am really good at being a homemaker, wife, mother and caregiver. Satan gets into my head and tells me that if I don't do these things, others will think I am not.  The scary part is that I often believe this lie and work hard to prove myself worthy of others noticing me and how well put together I and my household seem to be.
It is true that I look at other women who seem to have it all together. You know these women who do amazing crafts with their kids and never become impatient, those who make time for themselves to read 1-2 great books each day, those who have no laundry pile in their laundry room, and those who are slim and fit and always look like they were just given a spa treatment and makeover. Then there are the women who speak God's wisdom, are confident and you can tell that they are spiritually healthy and trust the Lord to provide their confidence and their everything.
I have to say, I desire all of the above qualities, and feel inadequate at times about each one. To be fully honest, I don't know how to lessen my feelings of insecurity and comparing myself with other women. This is just one of the many feelings that I believe God is allowing me to feel so He can draw me close to Him.
One scripture that I need to keep close to me today is Romans 8: 5-6
                Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires
                but those who live in accordance with the spirit have their minds set on what the spirit
                desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the spirit is
                life and peace.
Again, I come back to focus. My prayer for today is that my mind would be filled with the Holy Spirit and he would fill my mind with what the spirit desires, and that the spirit would lead my thoughts, motives, plans and actions. I pray that my focus would be not on proving to others that I am worthy, but living for God and allowing Him to make me worthy to live as His child.

Prayers can make a huge difference.

I have to admit, I am not always the best about remembering to pray in both the good times and the bad. I am sad to say that I often forget to lift my children and my husband up in prayer when things are going seemingly well. When life as a whole is going well for me (as well as when it is not), I must remember as a mom and wife, and a child of God, to continue to return to God on a regular basis to thank Him and give Him the honor and Glory he deserves.
I have to say that overall I have been overly blessed and my life is a joyous gift. However, I do have daily struggles like everyone else and I often forget to turn to God in these small trying/difficult moments. When I do remember to call out to God in my daily trials and difficulties as well as the joys I see throughout the day, I believe it pulls me closer to Him and allows me to see more clearly His view of my life and faith in Him is broadened.

I have 3 children, two girls age 5 and 3, and a son who is 2. My son has been in a "difficult stage" for a few months now and gets upset very easily and will hit, throw things, yell and be very disrespectful to others. In moments of trial, when it seems as though I have tried everything, and my patience has run out, I turn to God and take my son in my arms, hold his little hands, and pray out loud. I pray for God to calm us both, and to give me patience, kindness and love for this little man. I also pray for wisdom for dealing with his behavior. I have found that God has blessed us through this simple act of bringing these trials before Him. He calms us and He gives me the patience I need to finish teaching my Son how to act appropriately, and he helps us put an end to the current trial.

No, I cannot say that God has "cured" my son of his naughty behavior, nor can I say, he has given me all the right answers for how to deal with this when it comes up again. I can say though that God is continually teaching me that it is good for me to come to Him in EVERY TRIAL. It is also good for my children to hear me reach out to God in moments of trial and to encourage them to do the same. I believe that if I am faithful in my prayers for myself and my family, it will make a huge difference in the spiritual health and the focus of my family.

                                                Luckily, he is a super cute stinker :-)

Draw me close!

The lyrics of a familiar Michael W. Smith song fill my head and heart today... 


"Draw me close to You
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear You say that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else could take Your place
To feel the warmth of Your embrace 
Help me find the way bring me back to You

You're all I want
You're all I ever needed
You're all want
Help me know You are near".


I love this song, as it speaks to what I want my life say to Christ every minute of every day. Most days it feels like I have a long way to go to achieve this, but I will continue to sing this song loud so my kids can hear, and hope that the words/thoughts of this song ring true in my life daily! 
God is good. 

Strength of a Family

When I think of "Family", I think of the words, "safe, fun, joy, forgiveness, selfless, sacrifice and grace". Although I do not always feel these things all at the same time toward my family, I have been blessed with one of the best families around.
I feel a sense of security with my family knowing that they all (even extended family) are there for me even when I don't deserve their love, and that they love me and will accept (and have accepted me), despite my many flaws and mistakes. I have joy in the thought of my family feel very blessed that God has placed each of these people in my life to uplift me and love me.
I hope that when my family thinks of me, they do so with fondness and know that I love them and am there for them whenever they need me. I hope that my children can see Family as a blessing and learn to feel the same comfort and love from our family. I hope and pray for them that they would have a desire to deepen their relationships with family members and are devoted to family.
I pray also that my children desire to learn the rich history of our family and appreciate our roots as well as a desire to leave a lasting, Godly, loving legacy, as God is the glue that binds our family together and continues to give us a desire to love, forgive and live with each other in grace.

My Focus is on the Lord

I have many worries swirling around in my head. I want to focus on my relationship with Christ, but that focus becomes blurred when I look at myself and know that I need to become a better person in many areas of my life and become a better wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, caregiver, teacher... I become overwhelmed, sad, and upset with myself for being so selfish. I feel inadequate and not worthy of the friendships I have, and even the love of my friends, and family. This is a horrible feeling. I know in my head and heart that Satan is forcing these feelings upon me in their strength and I do not want to believe his lies. The difficult part of this for me to deal with, is that even though Satan is trying to defeat me and my walk with Christ, he is using my insecurity, my selfishness and weakness and the truth that I am not perfect in my relationships to break me up and pull me away from my earthly relationships and God.
My struggle in this moment is knowing how to work on many areas of my life at one time and not being defeated before I even begin. I believe the Lord is telling me that although I feel alone in personal relationships right now, that I need to focus on Him and only my relationship with Him and let Him teach me and mold me into who He wants me to be. It is really hard for me to "let go" of trying, straining to work on relationships and doing things to try to get others to see that I am worthy of their love. However, I am going to try.
My prayer for this day is that I will focus fully on God and his love for me. I will give Him my worries and my insecurity. I believe that He is with me and will guide me and provide me with everything I need.
God, forgive me for my faults and for believing the lies Satan has been telling me. Please guide me and draw me near to you.

Seeking God Starting Today...

I have been distant from my Lord for a while now for many reasons. My reasons include business, sadly; lack of desire to put time into Him, and selfishness concerning my time and activities. I am embarrassed to say, that at this point in my walk, I feel so far away from the Lord. At this moment in time I feel like I although I am beginning to put in more effort, this is difficult, and I do not feel connected to Him. This journal is in an effort to walk with Christ daily and draw near to him even when I do not feel like it. I believe that God will bless me through this effort and come along side me and grow my spiritual relationship with Him.
I am starting a book study today called, "Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy" by Mary Graham that was referred to me by a good friend. Today, in the study the scripture Isaiah 58:2 was a great reminder to me that followers of God should seek God day after day, and be eager to know God's ways and for Him to come near to them.
This is my prayer for myself, that I would seek God, not only daily, but every minute of every day. I long to be near to God and feel His presence upon me daily. Although I do not yet feel His presence daily, I feel it is not far off, and I believe He is near to me always, even in my distance from Him, he is never far away.